Afraid of 6th grade boys

Today, I'm at the base of Mt. Everest, out of shape, with few supplies, with no earthly reason to even try to move forwards.  At least that's what life feels like for me right now. 

I have not held a full time job since February.  As much as I bang down doors, send resumes, take pointless tests, and try to cajole my way into something....ANYthing.....I simply cannot do it.  And I am exhausted in every sort of way from the fight. 

There is a battle going on inside of me which rages daily.  Pride vs. Truth.  And Pride is a cunning and persistent tormenter.  He doesn't give up.  I feel like I should be farther along than this right now.  I worked so hard to obtain an education.  I fought 10 years to finally get my undergraduate degree, to be followed by another 3 years to obtain my Master's.  All the while, I worked wherever and whenever I could to support my family.  Now, I am scolded by 19 year olds for not selling enough membership upgrades.  And I have to sit and listen to my manager's baby talk to each other about inane things just while I'm waiting to get assigned my register for the day. 

The trap is an easy one to fall into, you see.  Look outwardly at the circumstances, look inwardly at your supposedly "good qualities", and bemoan your fate.  And I fight it so hard knowing that it is a test which God is allowing me to go through so that I can see my own heart.

Sounds mean, huh?  Showing me how messed up I am!  But if I'm ever to see the heart of God, I must turn away from relying on my own heart.  I must turn away from me to ever see Him!

It's like looking at a picture of you and other people.  Where do your eyes immediately go?  Mine go to myself.  I look to see if it's a good shot of me, without ever regarding anyone else.  And in doing so, I can miss the beauty of what else is around me.  Well, as a Christian, I miss seeing the beauty and glory of God all the time because I'm looking at me. 

God is showing me that I'm missing out on the best thing when I focus on me.  What am I missing out on?  Him.  The glory of God!  He is the true beauty! 

The truth is that though this world is big and intimidating, and the challenges we face are apparently insurmountable, our God holds the world in the palm of His hand. 

In elementary school, I was relentlessly bullied by bigger kids who always did their damage in big groups.  I was scared to fight back because their power and sheer force in numbers was too much for me to take on.  And whenever I saw these kids walking on one side of the road, I would purposely walk on the other side. 

But with a little perspective and wisdom and size, I am not afraid of 6th grade boys anymore.  I can walk right through the midst of them even if they were taunting me because I'm bigger now and I have more power behind me.  How silly would I look being afraid of 6th graders as a 6'4" man?

Mt. Everest is a group of 6th grade boys to God!  He is not intimidated by such weakness.  My employment is a group of 6th grade boys, my bills are a group of 6th grade boys, my plans are a bunch of 6th grade boys. 

And through this battle in my life, God is trying to show me that with the proper perspective, He is using these bullies in my life to show me how weak I am, yet how strong He is. 

Just like David with Goliath, just like Peter and John with the Sanhedrin, just like Gideon being asked to face overwhelming odds so that there would be NO DOUBT that the victory belongs to the Lord. 

You know, it's hard knowing this and still fighting against it.  I walk by faith, not by sight.  And I still look at me and my circumstances and complain and yearn to be freed from this prison I'm in. 

I have absolutely no idea what God is going to do to get me out of this mess I'm in.  But I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I've committed unto Him against that day. 

Ahhhh, "that day".  Sweet words to a man living as close to hell as I'll ever be.  I yearn for "that day".  Even now, come Lord Jesus!

But until then, break in me what you must so that I don't live in fear of 6th grade boys anymore.